this week i feel has gone by somewhat fast. it’s pretty ridiculous. i’ve been home sick, but i can feel the days passing me by. i got a job offering to help at a studio. and last night i got another to take pictures tonight of my friend and her high school friends for prom. God has provided. IMENSELY! 🙂
i’m so happy with what God is doing in my life right now. it’s insane to think that i could be so blessed. i have a relationship with a Father that actually listens to me and makes things happen in my life. i’m truly blessed and i couldn’t be happier… well as a human being… there is actually that thought that life could be better and i could be happier, but spiritually speaking. ahhh! i’m happy! it’s ridiculous because this time last year any one asked if i was happy, i’d have to say no. it doesn’t help that i went through a lot in the beginning of the year last year. but still, i wasn’t happy. my relationship with my Father wasn’t good. i think a lot of times i had lost hope and faith and i just really went through the motions of being a Christian. i helped out in so many ministries and i talked the talk. but i was just disappointed with life. right now. i am content with it. i can’t change what i have or don’t have for that matter.
for one… i can’t change the fact that i’m single. what are you talking about you might ask, but i’m so hung up on this one guy…. that i don’t want anyone else. i don’t see anyone else like i see him (figuratively speaking of course cause he’s somewhere down in central va and i’m further up north), but the point is… he, whether he wants it or not, has my heart. i don’t know how this happened, because if i do find myself liking someone to the degree or maybe less of what i like this guy, i make myself move on. i make myself just find someone else. yeah, i know that ‘s not the best way, but whatever. i do what i do. anyways, with this guy… i’ve tried numerous times to just move on… but i keep getting pulled back to this guy. i pray for God to just remove him from my heart… but so far… He hasn’t.
this guy… to me is special. though i didn’t get to know him that well, what i did just got me. the way he related was just… i don’t know… but it just did it for me. it’s sad though, if i really think about it. because honestly, this guy… this guy never really noticed me. he was forced to see that i was there because he was the teacher for my small class english, but that was it. not that it surprises me. i’m not the one to make myself known. i’m the kind that just blends in… if you don’t know who i really am that is.
ugh. how did this become about him??? well… before i leave the topic of this gorgeous guy… a couple of people that are close to me say that i’m in love. i honestly seriously want to say i’m not. i like to think i’m not because if i am then not ever having him will hurt like crap. will hurt like no other. and i don’t want to suffer. i think that how i am now i’ll still hurt once… i don’t know… come to my senses??? anyways, apparently i change when i talk about him. supposedly i brighten up. get happy. have a HUGE smile on my face. and just “radiate.” hahaah.
anyways. i’m truly blessed. God has provided in ways that are just… well it’s only BECAUSE OF HIM! 🙂
i did the one night job of taking pictures of my friend, her date/future hubby, and her prom party. it went great. the pictures came out awesome! i have to edit one or two, but for the most part great. i gotta say seeing her just made me feel old and alone. hahaha. i have known this girl almost her whole life. and she just turned 18 and is about to graduate. the guy that i think will end up her husband was brought down from NYC to spend this time together. i remember a time when her parents didn’t want her having a boyfriend let alone let her go to something like prom. this event was a big step for her and her family, and i just really hope she enjoyed it to the fullest. but i do feel old and alone. she has her fairytale story playing out in her life right now. the guy she loves loves her. her parents approve of him and love him. and he’ll do just about anything to make her happy. they both radiated such happiness. i’ve never had that… i want that…. but i don’t lust over it. i’m not jealous because she has it. it just makes me realize how pathetic my life has been here and there.
i can’t do anything about it now. i realize i’m somewhat screwed in the world of love. i don’t have anyone, but i want to be with someone. and not just anyone. but a specific someone. i don’t have anyone trying to get my attention or anything like that. i’m just alone.
crap and there i go again!! i think i might get my period soon…. reason for the melodrama. hahaah. but for the most part all this is definitely true. not me being over dramatic…. it may be i exaggerate a bit because i feel like it’ll never end. but the facts are true.
i’m tired. it’s been a long day… i’m going to try and sleep (knowing me not before i think of him one last time before i drift into unconsciousness…). today will be another long day…
good night. and God bless.