Soul Searching

Usually I don’t like writing here so often…… just because, but lately I’ve had a lot on my mind and a lot to say. So I figure for some of those things, it’s best to just write it down, hence why I’ve been writing here more often than I prefer.

Recently (in the last day or so), I’ve realized that what my mom and my friend, Natalie have been speculating about my love life, or lack of really… but that’s something completely different… might be true. As much as I hate to think that my mom and Natalie could be right, it seems like that just might be the case…. it could very well be that I might be in love… I’m going to admit that the thought of that possibility scares me to no end. Even though I know it’s an impossible love of some sort, it scares me to know that I fell for this person and that he may very well just be engraved in my mind. As much as I’ve tried (it’s been a couple of months) to forget that he could have that affect of me, it hasn’t really been working out. I’ve even spent time in prayer asking God to please get him out of my heart and mind if nothing will come of it, to just let him be a fond memory of what my spring semester at Liberty had. But no. He’s still very much there and present everyday. It’s sad actually… Anyways, I was listening to a song by Fransesca Battistelli and it just made me think…. Here are the lyrics to “Someday Soon”, you can decode what I’m not saying right now about what I was thinking.

I wanna be the one who knows everything about you
I wanna be the one who’s always on your mind
I wanna be the one to get all of your affection and attention
You’re the one that I’ve been waiting for, for all this time

And I can’t imagine anything, anything better than

Someday falling in love with you
Holding your hand
Making our plans all come true
Someday under a sky so blue
I’ll give you my heart
Our story will start
Someday soon

I wanna be the one who does everything with you
Watching stars, washing cars, taking walks, going to the store
I wanna be the one who gets to change her last name someday
To something that sounds something more like yours


Yeah I’ll be telling you I love you
On a picture perfect day
And those words inside my head
They sound like angels singing praise
It’s what I was made to say


There…. *sigh* I need to get this man out of my head! It’s going to continue to drive me crazy….. Once again I just pray that in due time he WILL just be a fond memory…

Something else……. WORLD CUP!! That last minute goal by Landon Donovan was ridiculous! Unfortunately, I never woke up to watch the game but as soon as I heard about it I youtubed it, but I ended up finding it on myspace. But WOW! USA was not playing, they were going to out for the win. I’m so proud of them. 🙂 I know that there are a lot of people here in the states that don’t have any hope nor care about the United States being in the World Cup, but once again – they deserve it! It’s this sort of thing that reminds you why they deserve to be a participant.

Landon Donovan #10

This is the link to watch the goal made by Donovan. 🙂 ENJOY!! 🙂 ::

Okay, now let’s see, what else is there to say?? Hmmmmmmm…. I had so much I wanted to say last night, but because I decided to stop writing I forgot what I wanted to say. hhmmmpp. 😦

I’ve realized that as much as I want to be involved at church, leadership is not going to let me. 😦 Kind of stinks because that’s what I love to do. God has put it in me the heart of a servant, and when humans limit me, it breaks my heart. I was going to be involved in praise and worship this whole summer full time include the children’s ministry, special events, and maybe even the youth ministry. Instead they want me to be in praise and worship only part time. I mean it doesn’t matter that much to me about praise and worship because the church is always on my director’s back about having me do specials and wondering why I’m not up there, but praise and worship isn’t about being on stage – no matter how much it matters to those that like the lime light – to really be in praise and worship it has to be about praising and worshiping the Lord ALL the time and wherever it is you are. Unfortunately for some who ARE in praise and worship in the church just like the lime light and like the attention they get from the members. Which I gotta say is partially their fault, because they DO put too much importance on the actual “performer”.

Anyways, I guess I’m going to try to make the effort to go to the youth group on Saturdays and see what the Lord reveals to me. I emphasized group because as I learned my fall semester of my freshman year from my youth professor, Dr. Brown, there is a difference between being a group and a ministry. Unfortunately for my church what we have is a group and not so much a ministry. Ministry is centered around God and the curriculum so to speak and a group is centered around activities and the youth, they usually do have a message but it isn’t really the center focus. A group gathers and is more focused on having youth show up and usually the message takes a back seat. The group at my church is really kind of in the middle, but leaning more towards group. The ministry is there, but it is not so focused, the group is there because they rather have fun than worry about the spiritual life and growth of their youth….

Reading “Fight Like A Girl” has really opened up my mind to thinking that we, as women, need to act more like women and less like men. God DID have a plan when He created women the way He did. It’s amazing to see how the author, Lisa Bevere, can relate to what most women feel they need to be like to advance in this world and be able to tell what she feels God wants his daughters, princesses to know. I have always thought that women, when using what God has given them for good, can make a difference in the world and can do big things. I, like the author, have thought that sometimes if I were a man I’d be able to do so many things. I wouldn’t feel limited to what I can do and is “accepted” by the church. Lisa is right, we do hold more cards than we think as women. Like the author of this book and the authors of “For Young Women Only” say, we can make or break a guy. Just like we can build up or tear down another woman. Why not use what God has given us for good? Why not change the negative connotation society has put on being a woman? Why not instead taking advantage of what God has given us? Of course not using it for our own agenda, but for the Lord’s. So many times women use it to further their agenda. They seduce, gossip, and manipulate people so they can get ahead in life and work. I must say that this is what disgusts me about being a women. We weren’t created for that.

Another thing I really like as I’m continuing to read this book is the fact that the author makes a very good point that God made what Adam searched for, a companion. Not someone that he could put down, but someone he could share his life with. Adam knew that he was alone. Man had no say in what the woman would be like or what she would look like, God did that. Man had and has no right to tell have a say in what a woman should be, that only belongs to God. And for that I am glad. Can you imagine the idiocies a man would say about how a woman should act and look like??? …Wait…. We already have idiots saying what a woman should be. Reason why we are where we are when it comes to what a REAL woman should be.

Well more on this later when I’ve gotten a bit further in the book. 🙂 God has really shown me some things about this topic and I feel Him opening my heart to what it is I’m reading. 🙂

So……… Do I have anything else I could possibly talk about right now??? I hate not being able to remember what it is that I wanted to write about…… Hahaha. Well that’s the story of my life. =/


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