Love+Pain+Hope=Depression

Is it weird that even though I’ve kind of given my thoughts and hopes for him to the Lord that he’s still on my mind a lot? I feel the peace, but I also still can’t help but wonder what it is that God has planned for me. I know that whatever God has for me, it will be what’s best for me, but I still can’t help but have a glimpse of hope that it is him.
I saw him on Friday from a distance, and I have to say that what I felt wasn’t 100% what I had expected… let me explain. When I first saw him I had the reaction that I had expected, meaning my heart was racing, I felt happiness overcome me, and I felt love?? But what I didn’t expect was the second reaction to the same moment, and it was utter hopelessness. It was the need to just brake down and cry. It was the desire to just curl up into fetal position and just cry for hours.
Now how many people do you know that would feel that way for the same person in a matter of five minutes? Very few is my guess. But how about I continue with my recall of that day??
So I couldn’t just break down, get into fetal position right then and there and start crying because first of all I had a friend with me, who even though she’s seen me when I’m absolutely broken did not need to see me get like that over a guy, and second because I was on campus. How weird would it be for a 20 year old girl to do that?? They’d think I’d lost my mind and then some. So I waited. I hoped that I would be able to hold off the tears till I got to my room, but that didn’t happen. While I was waiting for the bus with my friend at my side, I slowly started losing it. Slowly the need to cry became more and more apparent. Once I had gotten on the bus though by myself, I began to cry. The feeling that I had felt after probably the best feeling in the world had just made itself evermore present. I tried hard to hide it as best I could, but I knew that the guy that was sitting facing sideways could see and hear me crying. I could tell that it was an uncomfortable thing for him to experience; a random girl sitting at the back of the bus, by herself, breaking down for who knows what reason. But I didn’t care… or rather I did, but I just couldn’t do much about the tears. Even if I hadn’t wanted to.
On the bus ride back to my room I had encountered a friend who saw me crying when he got on. He made sure I was okay and for the first time since I had seen HIM I was able to sort of get away from the original feeling of just plain desperation to cry. He was sweet enough to wonder if he had to hurt somebody, but how could anyone in their right mind want to wish him pain or hurt or anything bad?? Answer? No one. Not even me. Especially not me. Plus he’d probably do more damage to my friend than my friend to him. And I had no problem in telling him so. I had to explain that sometimes the beautiful things or people of the past just hurt when it or they are presented to us in our presents. I had to explain to him how he was about the sweetest guy and hurting him would just be all types of wrong. He hasn’t done anything to me. By the way I was crying I think my friend thought he had; I know if could be a bit masochistic and just all types of wrong, but I kind of wished and hoped that he had. It would probably had made tings easier.
Something to note about the few guy friends I have around here is that they are some of the sweetest I’ve met. Yeah they all have their shortcomings and yeah sometimes they get on my nerves, but whether older or younger they treat me like a sister. They care for me like a sister and I’m so grateful for that.
Anyways, my friend was able to take my mind off of him for a bit by talking about Twilight, but once I had gotten to my room… well almost right after – my roommate was in there and I didn’t want her to see me cry – I broke down right when the door closed. I cried and cried. My friends started calling me, for some reason they decided that that needed to be the day they’d call instead of texting me, and they noticed right away that I was crying. Not pretty crying where you could somehow make it look like it was gracious, but makeup smearing, red all over the face crying. My friends said something interesting… all of them at some point or another kind of gave me the ultimatum I was dreading and to this day continue to dread. Either I tell him how I feel or it’s time to move on. My friend Mindingy (nickname within our group; also to provide anonymity) told me right off the bat to pray (like I haven’t already been doing that) and see what it is God wants me to do. And depending on what He told me to either tell this guy how I feel about him or forget about him. She said that I couldn’t keep from doing it because I am scared of rejection because we all go through that at one point or another (I knew that already), but that I also didn’t know what the outcome could be. It could be rejection or just about the greatest thing that has happened to me. I know she’s right, I do. But the fact that I know yet I can’t bring myself to even contemplate the idea of ACTUALLY doing it is ridiculous.
I know many people hear that and are like, “well she’s just a coward.” And who knows maybe I am just a cowardly person. But I will admit to having thoughts of not being good enough. Of thinking, “why should he like me? There are so many other girls out there that are gorgeous. That’s who he needs to be with.” You know what?? I’m not ashamed to think that way. Why? Because when you know and or like someone that seems too good to be true, it’s hard to believe that they can feel the same way for you. And that’s how I feel. I feel that he could never like someone like me. I’m not anything special; but what guys don’t seem to get is that even though I might feel like this, I refuse to let any jerk take advantage of me. I refuse to let guys play games with me.
Anyways, my friends are wise and they said what I had been dreading to admit for some time now. They laid it on me with no mercy. I like that. But I still wrestle with the idea of telling him how I feel and they knew and know that. So later that night when I was surrounded by the majority of the girls that I hang out with whenever I’m free; my friend Fafi (same thing as Mindingy – it’s an nickname) told me that I was going to go through what she calls confidence boot camp. Now that in itself is terrifying enough, but if you knew her you would understand the added fear that it put in me. She was talking to me about how I’m the wall flower type to which I responded that I didn’t mind being one. She didn’t buy it for a second. She told me that no one likes to be the wall flower all the time, which is not wrong at all. She said that by the end of boot camp I either had to choose between telling him that I like him or telling one of the guys that works at the Crave (who by the way I think is smokin!) that I thought his eyes are gorgeous (for those of you who just laughed… I know. I would’ve too if I didn’t suffer from this lack of whatever it is that keeps me from opening my mouth when it comes to guys – and that’s guys, not guy friends. There’s a difference.)
Well it started that night. Her first task for me was to get the girl walk down. You know the walk. Where there is a sway in the girl’s hips as she walks. Apparently I don’t have that. Which again I don’t mind. I have to say I’ve never thought about doing something so natural so much before. My three friends that were there that night tried teaching me. We were in one of the hallways that connects our lobby to our hall about an hour trying to get me to get it. But it didn’t work. And that Sunday Fafi and Lufi (again, another friend) tried some more. But after a lot of getting nowhere, they ordered me to put heels on. It took getting into those darn things to actually have the sway of the hips going. My poor friends still haven’t given up on me and I am grateful for that. And I have to say that without this random emotional rollercoaster, I wouldn’t be doing this.
By the way, something my friends don’t know is that I started working out for the wrong reason… him. I had just about had enough of feeling like I wasn’t thin enough that I wanted to do something about it. Now… I didn’t expect to have him actually like me back, but I wanted it to be more of a possibility. I know what you’re thinking… “that’s stupid. If you’re going to lose weight it should be for you not for some guy.” Yeah… I know that, but when you’re want someone to like you the way you like them… it’s not an easy thing to remember. I do have to say that after that first day, I went back because of me. I loved every minute of it and I do want to be thin and feel better about myself so I’m doing something about it. It’s true. And I hope that I can continue this because I’m loving it sooooo much. If he ends up ever seeing the result of this wrong reason gone good, then I hope he likes what he sees.
I don’t think he will though because it’s not like I see him often or up close anymore, but a girl can hope. As far as this guy that works at the Crave?? We’ll have to wait and see what happens on my side. He is a good looking guy and seems like an awesome dude to befriends with, but as far as it going any further than that… I don’t know.
I do know that I still like him, but I am not going crazy because I don’t see him. I want to be with him, but I’m not going to get desperate and do something that is not me or something that God doesn’t want to happen. I continue to pray for signs as to what it is He wants me to do about the situation. And I still pray that if it’s not going to be anything good to just remove the feelings from me so that I can continue on with life.

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