It’s been awhile since I’ve posted – I know… Guess it’s time for an update. I think the last one I posted was before my birthday….. a lot has happened since then. My life has been turned inside out and upside down.
I turned 21 in October and it was pretty legit. Even though I didn’t really do a lot of what is expected of a girl turning 21, I had a pretty awesome weekend. Granted part of the reason for some of the toning down of it was because of the school I go to. Sadly, I wasn’t able to be home and celebrate it with my bff, Nata, it was still pretty awesome. And now that I think about it…. I never got to celebrate my birthday with her and never again will be able to………………
I didn’t go home the following weekend for fall break which kind of sucked and therefore didn’t get a chance to celebrate at home. Luckily my mom and sister came up the Sunday after my birthday to surprise me and take me out to lunch. Pretty awesome stuff.
November rolled around and I was pretty busy with school work and looking forward to coming home for Thanksgiving break. Unfortunately, the week before break Nata was involved in a car accident and died the next day. I cannot express how much it hurt me to not be at her bedside that night. It tore me apart, because I had just talked to her on msn the night before. We were making plans to hang out and find her a job. We were so excited to see each other and celebrate not only my birthday, but one of our other friend’s as well. It was going to be great, we pretty much had every day somewhat planned out – meaning for us two that we’d go out every day even if we didn’t know where. Ha. That was us.
The weekend I arrived home I was put in a world that was spinning out of control. That weekend we had her viewing and her burial. It was horrible. Till this day that weekend still haunts me. It felt so unreal. I had never cried so much over someone who had died before. She was my best friend. She knew things about me that no one else knows. I will always remember what her parents told me that weekend and what I saw her parents go through. Her mother’s scream as they took Nata down will never leave me. Her father’s and brother’s numbness will never leave me either. Her family’s guilt will never leave me. The way they treated her over the summer and the way she cried and felt was hard to watch. She was my best friend. I could always count on her. That weekend was hell for me.
Life now is still somewhat hellish. Not having her around while I’m home is pretty hard. To be honest I have no desire to go out and “enjoy” my break. I have little to no desire to socialize. Her death is still recent to all who knew her. Suffice to say that even my sister and mom have cried for her death.
December rolled around and when I got back I buried myself in my schoolwork. I had little desire to do much else but cry. A good friend of mine made me see that month things that for so long I was just trying to escape, but the death of Nata just brought back. He has been a good friend and let me cry in front of him. He has prayed not only for her family, but for me as well. He took time out of his not so busy schedule to spend some time with me and get me out of my room. I cannot express just how hard it was to be in my room because it was when I walked into my room that I got those two texts that I did not want to get. Those two texts that told me that I would not come home to see my best friend.
On top of everything I got thrown into the world of Korean pop culture thanks to a friend of mine. I have become enthralled by it all. I want to learn Korean and associate with them. I love their music scene.
Anyways, I’m nearing the end of my break and so much has gone on since I got home that I have not really been able to relax. The day I came home to start break I found out my dad was still in the hospital and that he most likely would be there for awhile. Again, I was brought to the hospital to visit my dad. The same hospital where my best friend died in. My dad, gratefully is alive. But it was a long shot. Turned out that they found cancer and he was going to have surgery. The doctors had talked about the dangers because of how advanced the cancer was and his age. I was terrified. My father and I never really got along well and to have the possibility of another death of someone I cared about a bit over a month after Nata……… I was not looking forward to it. I dove into the Word and regained the faith that unfortunately I had lost. I dove back into God’s arms. Praying… Begging that He not take him away from me too. And He didn’t.
My father’s family had never looked at me with such weird expressions on their faces. I prayed every time we left him. I prayed during the surgery. I prayed when he got out. They looked at me like I was some sort of alien and I’m guessing that to them I am. I have faith in Someone that they don’t know or care to know. I asked Him for protection and comfort. I was so grateful to those who prayed for my dad and knew what what was going on. I am grateful for their prayers, their calls, their postings on my facebook, their messages of encouragement. I feel bad for my father’s family………… They don’t know what great things God can do in their lives. I feel bad that they’re so okay living in their sin.
As I come to a close, it’s been a rough couple of months. It’s January, and the death of Nata is still fresh. It hurts to know that she is not going to be around as this new year progresses. I go to her grave every time I’m out… or almost every time – which is not often at all. For those who didn’t know her, she’s mentioned in some of my summer blog postings.
Have faith in God. He is powerful. He will give you comfort and give you peace in your times of turmoil.
R.I.P. NATALIE MIRANDA aka NATA. 9.7.90-11.17.10