So… This whole singleness for a year thing where I just focus on my relationship with God has been a struggle… I’m not going to lie. At first I was like, “This isn’t going to be difficult.” THAT WAS A LIE! I understand why friends were telling me it was going to be hard, because SERIOUSLY it’s when the guys worth liking come around.
For about a week or so, I let myself lose focus on my plan for the year… and it was something that caught me off guard. I let it slip to some close friends who I had found myself attracted to and that just began the journey off the path I was set to walk this school year. It shouldn’t have come out of my mouth and I shouldn’t have even let myself think about this guy this way… but I did.
Now that I’m looking back on it, when I spoke it, it’s like I allowed it to take life. I spoke about it and about him to friends and I realize that it’s something that I should’ve kept to myself like I said I would. But to be honest, it started with the question “Are you attracted to him?” That question then led to “Do you like him?” Which inevitably ended in talking about him and moving some of the focus on him.
Some things happened that produced a certain feeling and I that’s when I realized that this had gone too far. It wasn’t a terribly sinful feeling that I would be ashamed of. It was a normal feeling… but a feeling that girls have when they have boyfriends and they’re not 100% certain of the guy’s feeling for her. In plain and simple English, jealousy. I realized then the shift and I decided what it was that I needed to do.
I cut off facebook and turned off my phone. I’m right in the middle of this playing itself out. I have decided that I need to take time away from facebook and my phone (both venues I was using to talk to him) and focus on school and God. I called my mom Monday night before they both went out and told her of my decision. Though it was mainly done in an effort to get back on track to my year of singleness, it’s also so I can focus on school. I didn’t necessarily tell her or those around me the first part but instead the second. Though some friends figured out something wasn’t right, none of them knew what it was. I sort of told maybe two of my friends the main reason, but the others are still in the dark… well until they read this… if they do.
Everything went off at midnight Tuesday. Well… for the most part, my phone was on for a couple of minutes afterwards cause clearly people forgot. I turn my phone off and on occasionally for time updates and to check any voice mails that might have come in that are important… and because it’s used for my alarm in the mornings. Facebook has still been a temptation to get on, but I’m trying my best. I’ve already failed, but I’m starting again. Twitter is now my one source of communication besides face to face.
I miss facebook and my phone because that’s how I kept in touch with people on this campus and back home. It’s how I made plans to meet with people and how I was able to see what everyone was up to back home. It will go back on eventually, but I just don’t know when. I need to stay focused for a bit without those two things before I feel like I can trust myself.
So I guess now if someone were to ask me, “Do you like someone?” I can say yes, but that now’s not the time to think about it.
I have told one of my roommates and my prayer leader about pretty much everything that I need to do and what’s happening and I’m just happy to have the support. It’s really encouraging. I’ve also told two other people just the surface of what’s going on and to know they’ll be praying for this is also RIDICULOUSLY encouraging. Now that I have this support and accountability, it will definitely be a bit easier to stay on track. 🙂
I look forward to the rest of this school year. God and me year. Guys, though fun and awesome will be friends for now.