Since returning from Thanksgiving Break I have been thinking a lot about what I need to do about a certain guy that I have come to like. Certain things, situations, and things that have been said have brought me to this conclusion: I should’ve been more careful about what I did and said and how I acted during those two weeks where I sort of but not really forgot about my no boy rule. I was being selfish then when I let myself act more on feelings than my goal/purpose. I don’t know if he feels like what I said and how I acted was leading him on… and if he does…. I’m sorry. Truth is I wasn’t. But moving on for now.
I have been praying about this and I’ve been talking to godly women about what they suggest I do. I’ve also talked to guys who are honest to no end because I just wanted advice from males. Anyways, it was pretty much a draw in the end. I had the women in my life either telling me to tell him and explain the situation and the other is that I just keep my mouth shut. The guys on the other hand (though they don’t really know the WHOLE story – maybe that’s why they told me this) to move on because if he can’t try to understand that this year was promised to God before meeting him and for good reason, that he didn’t deserve someone like me.
Not only did I talk to godly women outside my family and guys, but my mom cornered me so that I could talk to her (that cornered part is a post for another day…) about the boy that she heard I had come to like and that she had seen in person… which for her was a big thing seeing as I’m in school not anywhere by her and I don’t like guys from the Hispanic church (I’m just not too into Hispanics…). Side note: my mom decided that a moving car is the best way to corner me… which make sense because as much as I would want to get away, I wouldn’t dare jump out of a moving car. Anyways, I told her pretty much everything. And if I somehow missed something, she knew and would ask questions.
The advice she gave me in the parking lot of our complex was this (some is paraphrased because I don’t want to give the guy’s name or certain situations),
” Lilian, you need to finish this year strong. You promised God this year, give it to Him. As for this guy, don’t tell him anything. You’re the girl. If he likes you, HE has to tell YOU. He has to make the first move. Pray about him and what’s going on with you two. When your year ends, if he likes you, he’ll tell you. He would’ve waited for your year to end to tell you because he knows that what you’re doing now is important. If he doesn’t like you he won’t say anything. And if he does, but it’s out of spite more than anything else, you’ll know why it wasn’t meant to be and why he isn’t the one for you. If he likes you now, and he’s someone you’re meant to be with, he’ll wait for you. He’ll encourage you with words and through prayer. If he asks for an explanation at any time, you can tell him why you’re doing this year, if he doesn’t don’t be upset about it either. Be his friend right now. Get to know him better. Become the greatest friend you can be with him. Be there for him, talk to him. Pray for him Lilian. Show him you care about him. If he’s not going to be there next year, but you guys want to be together, God will make it so that it works out when He wants it to be. Distance won’t change His plans for your lives. But Lilian, finish strong. When the year ends, you’ll be more ready for that relationship than if you were to forget about your year now and just confessed. Work on yourself for your future husband. Make this year count.”
Sane advice from momma, isn’t it? When she was telling me this, I did interrupt her a couple of times… I told her that I didn’t want him to feel like I at any point played with his feelings, because I didn’t. And even at the end of her speech I told her again… What did she say? “He’ll eventually understand.” *sigh*
At that time, you don’t know JUST how much I was frustrated with her then. In my head, I was like “you always tell me the same thing with everything! You just change the situation and the people.” But talking to my friend yesterday, I realized just how much my mom was right. My friend was telling me that I needed to tell him… something that a lot of the women I trust have been telling me I need to do. I told her some about what my mom had told me that Wednesday night, and my friend automatically agreed and changed her opinion on the spot. It was when I was talking to her that I noticed how much wisdom what she told me actually had. He’s the male, he needs to make the first couple of moves (including the confession first). He’s a son of God, he needs to understand that God has a reason for this and that I need it. He needs to trust that what he has seen from me in the early stages of our friendship wasn’t a lie. It was me being honest and raw. He needs to understand that even though I didn’t control/stop myself, I gave him a look into what I felt. He needs to trust that me mentioning my promise to God was because I need to finish this, but that it doesn’t mean that I don’t like him. That I lied to him and took what I needed to feel good about myself… that I took advantage of him in any way….
Because I didn’t.
I liked him then.
I like him now.
But I need to focus on my relationship with God this year. I have to get on the same page with Him. I have to gain more confidence of who I am in Him and learn to love myself. I need to learn to see myself like He sees me. I need this year.
I met this guy at a really weird time in my life where all there is is the aftermath of a natural disaster… God is the help needed to clean it up. This guy walked into my life where there is still cleaning, rebuilding, and life being returned to my life.
Note: my mom did ask me if I knew when my year would end. And when I told her, both her and my sister couldn’t help but laugh. When is it?? If you don’t remember, I made it extremely specific for my sake as the minute I walk out of my last final for my Spring semester in 2012.
Prayers are welcome!