Coming home has brought back a lot of sad memories from this time last year. Though I am thankful that I was able to get through it all, I can’t help but be sad at the same time. This time last year… I struggled to keep going. I had things going on in life that really… I thought was too much to handle. My best friend had just died and my dad was going through surgery after finding out he had advanced cancer. On top of that my younger sister was dying from seeing my dad go through so much.
I had never shown so much vulnerability as I had that spring semester… It was an unhealthy hopelessness that I felt. For those who have known me for years and know me better than many of those around me… You know that I’m the type of person that can be strong at a time where everyone else is breaking down. I’m the type that helps those breaking down while trying not to show what I feel. That’s how I was last year. With my best friend about a month dead, my dad in the hospital at a time where it seemed I would lose him too, and my sister not being able to control her tears from seeing my dad in that state… I went into a state of help others, pray for others, forget about how you feel. It’s a dangerous thing.
Now though being back… I’m better about my dad. He’s alive and a believer now. Thank God. My sister is happy and expecting a baby girl. My best friend’s family seem to be doing better. My circle of friends are doing better as well with Natalie’s death. Everyone’s doing well…
But I’ve come to realize, thanks to two people who know me better than most – my mom and friend Vivi – is that I need closure. What all of my friends have been able to get by being home when Natalie’s birthday and anniversary have gotten and I still haven’t. I know that I haven’t gotten it… and I know that I still struggle very much with her passing… still… But I honestly don’t feel ready to see her parents or to have all those memories come up… Though for her anniversary they did… At the worst time too.
Anyway I know that I need the closure. I thank my mom and Vivi for pointing it out… because otherwise… I don’t think I would’ve admitted it to myself. The plan was to get the closure I needed before I went back to school, but it just isn’t going to work out that way. I leave for school Saturday and right now I have to pack up all my things. The closure I need will come to be… Until then, God will continue to help me heal and prepare me for facing her parents.