I Want to Care…

It’s been a while since I last wrote and just to clear my head, I think it’s time to post. On my last post I didn’t mention anything that had gone on in my life. In reality, when I say it’s been rough, I mean IT’S BEEN ROUGH. My father passed away in April after battling cancer. It was a hard time and I still struggle with it. Last month was the second anniversary of my best friend’s death… and my dad’s first birthday without him was in September. I thought I had handled it well, but unfortunately… my studies is where I took the hit. I go through the motions and put in the time, but things don’t get done how they should. I have failed my third youth class as of today… and unfortunately it was a class that I ended up enjoying with a professor I truly respect and admire. I feel ashamed about it, but at the same time there is a feeling of “I JUST DON’T CARE ANYMORE”.

My dad’s passing hurt me a lot. There was and still is a lot of bitterness about it. My dad and I had never had much of a relationship with each other. We were actually sworn enemies for the majority of my life. That was until he truly gave his life to God and that didn’t happen until he found out the true severity of the cancer that was in his body. Unfortunately that’s what it took for him to believe and for me to be able to have a relationship with him. So having him pass away at the beginning of that was hard. REALLY HARD.

I’m the type of person where if it involves my family, I put up that wall where I keep myself from feeling and make myself available to be the shoulder to lean on. It’s not the healthiest of things to do, but it’s just in my nature to do so. It has been no exception with this. To this day even, I don’t really share about my feelings regarding my dad’s death or how i’m feeling right now. It’s a bit suffocating, especially being home on break, because now I can’t hide in my room and have a good cry or pray out loud to God on my own about it. Even as I’m writing this, there’s a knot in my throat, but I refuse to let the tears come out. Why? My family is with me. I can’t let them see that I can’t be there for them right now.

Like one of my professors recently told me, my spiritual gifts are also my weaknesses. I’m a mercy shower, a helper, a shepherd and an exhorter. I can’t seem to be able to balance them out in my life yet to where I can do those things for others and at the same time allow others to be those things for me. It’s not in me yet. I allowed it (for a lack of better words) when I had to come back home after he died, but now that the event part of it is over, trying to let people be that while I’m going on with life and being there for my family is hard and seems nearly impossible.

Tonight, after reading my professor’s email, I began thinking… Maybe I should take time off from school. Work a bit and then get back to studying after I have dealt with the grief. I am wasting my time and my professor’s time. I know though that if I were to do that, I might never feel ready enough to go back. So instead, I think I need to force myself even more to go through the motions and GET THE WORK DONE. Then maybe… hopefully… I’ll start to care again.

For now, I am in a slump with my happiness. I put the smile on when I need to, but most times than not, it’s fake. Still in the back of my head is my dad and my best friend. I can’t seem to shake myself out of it long enough to care about school or my future for that matter.

I need it to change. I just don’t know where to start.

I am not at all trying to say either that I haven’t had a great support system through it all. Especially when things with my dad were getting worse. I did. They have become my family. They, to this day, continue to be a great support system while I’m at school and even  when I’m not. They are my friends and family. I love them and am so grateful for them.

 

*This post is just meant to journal my ideas and feelings. I don’t want people to think that this is just excuses either. If you haven’t gone through it, then please don’t judge. You don’t know what it means to go through something like that until it happens to you.*

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